Men's Experiences Of Hypospadias

Men's Experiences of Hypospadias

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Forty year old, USA

My hypospadias has been very manageable throughout my life. I did realize early in life and even into my teens that I was not quite as I should have been, but was not troubled or concerned about it. My hypospadias is mild (half an inch from normal) and has been most problematic during urination. I have learned to tilt my penis to the left to hit the target and to not pull my foreskin back since that results in a straight down urine stream. Sometimes my stream is solid and sometimes it sprays somewhat. I recall as a preteen, pulling my hood back to keep the glans showing which was what all the other boys looked like in the locker room.

I did not realize that I did not really have a frenulum which is a very sensitive part of the penis. I now like my loose hood which stayed retracted one I reached my teens and I grew. I cannot imagine having to masturbate, or have intercourse without it. You get used to what you have, and I would not trade what I have. My penis is 5.75 inches long when erect and 5 inches in diameter, so I think I am about average - I have been complimented on how thick it is. Many with hypsospadias have a penis shorter than average. My penis does angle to the left when erect. I recall asking my wife during sex why she kept moving just a little and she said "Because your penis is not straight...remember?" As a teen with friends they did not ever really notice that I urinated from a slightly different angle, nor do they know to this day. I looked normal enough and since most guys do not look at another guy's penis during urination, it was not noticeable.

My Mom did tell me in my teenage years that I had hypospadias etc. at just the right age to be totally awkward. I assured her that everything was in working order. I do not have any children, and she probably thinks that is the cause, which it is not. I ejaculate much more normally than I urinate, in fact I would say I ejaculate totally normally. My semen goes pretty much straight out, and my urethra is larger that most so maybe I have more projection than most because of that.

One of my greatest fears has been to be in some sort of accident that renders me unconscious so a catheter is needed in an ER, and in the heat of the moment a nurse will force it in the normal spot - that would be bad! My penis head is much flatter than most, with the split on the bottom, you can actually see a faux pee hole that just did not quite get completed. I have learned over the years that most men have a urethra that is on the very tip of the penis, which seems abnormal to me, since I am very different. I had surgery for kidney stones in 2003 and had to have a catheter for the first time and I had to explain to the nurse what the situation was. My urologist used a scope to pull a stone through and install a stint. It seems as though I urinate differently now than I did before: it is not as controllable but has gotten better. I never considered being ashamed of my abnormality and am pleased with what I have. I feel for those that have a more pronounced hypospadias. The condition of a man's penis is directly related to how he feels about himself.

His pictures (click on hem to expand them):

UK Man, aged 53 at time of writing

Contact Colin on: clipper_975@yahoo.co.uk

I was born in 1955 in South Wales, one of four children, three boys and one girl. When I was born my penis as I was told looked like a sausage cut down the centre and at the age of two years I embarked on a series of painful surgeries designed to make me a penis. My earliest memories was being in Gt Ormond Street Hospital, the smell of the operating theatre, and peeing being very painful.

My mother who is now dead made sure I was "male" by having hormone tests done on me before embarking on the treatment, also our local GP who was a godsend to her helped her through it all and took a close interest in what I had had done every time I came home. My Dad didn’t really speak to me about the hypospadias - I think he blamed my mother for it, and as our relationship wasn’t good I never gave him the opportunity to say anything, but he was the type of man who didn’t want to admit his son was deformed, and later gay.

Because of the surgery my mother tended to not let me "Rough & Tumble" with my siblings as she was afraid that the stitches would burst, which some did and I was left with holes where I leaked when I peed. My siblings were always jealous of me, or so I’ve found out, because I got "special" treatment and also got to spend weeks convalescing at my aunt's pub in London. She helped out with visiting me as my mum couldn’t afford to travel to London very often; my mum often told me that she cried on the phone at Paddington station when she spoke to my grandfather after she left me in hospital. I also hurt her once by accusing her of not loving me: every time I came out of hospital she kept putting me back in again. Kids can be cruel I guess.

Growing up was not good with the hypospadias. I don't remember having to sit down to pee, but I used to do this if I went out, as I'd end up with a wet leg where the stream missed. I remember after one surgery a piece of skin was left across the opening so my stream split and I peed two streams, which was very embarrassing, I peed on the floor more times than I care to remember. At home I wasn’t so bad but my mate (we were eleven years old) said if I peed on the floor again his mum said I wouldn’t be allowed to come over and stay again. That was hard to hear as I couldn’t tell them why it happened but it was embarrassing having them think I was dirty.

Puberty went ok; I learned how to wank, which was good, although as the skin on my penis was tight, too much wanking left me very sore, but at the time it was nice to do - as it is for most young guys. I was not bullied physically at school, but mentally I guess as I didn’t join in sports etc, so I got called a girl, and this type of bullying continued well into adulthood due to my lack of confidence in myself - also I wasn’t at ease with being gay.

In between the hypospadias surgery I also had a burst appendix plus a hernia which added to the hospitalisation. The last surgery was at sixteen, when they finally took away the strip of skin across my pee hole, so with luck and fine tuning I could pee standing up and I have a good stream which I suppose is a plus for me compared to some guys who have a big urethral meatus.

So after all the surgery I was left with a penis which was quite misshapen. When it's erect it's about 3.5 inches long; it's about one inch flaccid, and it has a "dummy" hole in the top, which when viewed from the top looks normal but small, and another hole underneath through which I actually pee. It's only when erect that it looks weird.

I knew I was gay from a very early age but I didn’t feel masculine in any way and to this day still don’t. I hated the look of my penis and decided that I would stay celibate as I'd had enough of being made fun of. I suffered from severe depression as a young guy growing up; and I even contemplated suicide, although I felt if I did this then my mother and family would be so hurt that I soldiered on as best I could, keeping everything to myself. I came out to them at sixteen and even though I knew I was gay I wanted counselling. The local GP's surgery made me an appointment with a guy who offered me aversion therapy, which just made me feel worse......

The years between sixteen and thirty eight passed by....I moved to London when I was nineteen, had a good circle of friends, and made a career in finance. I didn’t date anyone at all in all that time. So up until the age of thirty eight I concentrated on my career...then I finally decided to answer an advert in a local paper to meet another man. After quite a few attempts at meeting him, it finally happened. He was an older bi man and after talking to him, I thought "it's now or never" so I invited him back for a coffee and we went to bed. Luckily for me he had no problem with my cock and we had a two year relationship, which was good , however in all that time I was never able to cum, as another guy wanking me didn’t work.....my penis was such that it needed a certain "knack" to get me off (besides which, having a guy watch me wank myself made me self-conscious and put me off). Even so, I told him not to worry, as I still had great fun.

Penetrative sex took some doing, as lacking length and with low sensitivity in my penis due to the operations, it didn’t work too well at first. But in recent years it has happened, I've been told it's good since I have quite a thick penis so my sex life isn't all bad.

I am now 53 and have had a number of lovers: once I'd tried sex, it was a case of making up for lost time, and I found that most guys were OK about my small penis, even though I was limited in what I could do. It was always nerve racking when I met a guy as before anything happened I felt I would have to say something to them, and see what happened.

Over the period between 38 and 53 I’ve had a couple of relationships although not longer than seven or eight months. When I felt less nervous my body did work properly, but even though I felt secure I still used to wonder what partners saw in me when they could have had better looking guys with bigger and normal penises. Hypospadias is always there in a relationship. Even if my partner has no problem with it, I think I still wait for the time when something will be said, or maybe I even force the issue sometimes, driving a wedge between us and spoiling things, almost like some kind of self-destruct thing.

I only had one guy get up and walk out on me when he saw my penis. That really knocked what confidence I'd built up over the years, but I was lucky as I had a good friend who I could talk to about it. But....the little confidence I had has gone now, and I'm now afraid to meet guys in case it happens again.

I did consider more cosmetic surgery after this happened, but on reading up on it I decided against it as I didn’t want to lose what sensitivity I had left. Also there's no guarantee it will look better anyway. I know that "one offs" are common in the gay world, however where I'm concerned I still put them down to my hypospadias, even if the sex is good.

And I tend to vet guys, like seeing how they are with this stuff when we chat, and I go for older men too as they are more sympathetic I suppose, although this not always the case. If I go to bed with a guy and he goes down on me then that’s the ultimate test that he is OK with the hypospadias. I hate the way I look and think sometimes what it must be like for someone confronted by my cock. I wonder what would I do! Would I want to suck it? When telling a guy about it I tend to be flippant about this stuff, laughing it off if things don’t seem to be going well, all the while breaking up inside, asking what I’ve done to deserve this when other guys seem to find partners so easily. Sometimes it seems it's one thing after another and I wonder sometimes why I bother, but I suppose if you don’t meet guys you're never going to to find anyone, so that’s why I keep on.

The internet has been a godsend. I’ve looked up hypospadias several times and came across some Yahoo! groups, although there doesn’t seem to be much interaction between members and also the majority are in the USA. There are pictures on the site too of guys with hypospadias, however once again I felt alone as they were mainly mild hypospadias and also looked like normal cocks and were of a normal size too, so that was a double whammy for me once again.

I appreciate that there are guys with small cocks, I've met ones with smaller than mine, but having a hypospadias and a small deformed penis is not a good thing in the gay world. I think given the choice, two or three more inches would have made all the difference to me. It's not been how I expected it to be - discrimination hasn’t brought us together.

I have however met a few guys in the UK who have helped me and even though they have mild hypospadias and therefore their problems are different to mine, they know what it's like to be different in the penis, and they know what it's like to be scared of what people will say about their cocks. One said to me that considering what I went through I turned out a very level headed guy. My answer was that if I wasn’t strong I wouldn’t be here now. I would love to meet a guy in the same situation as me: one who's had a lot of surgery, to see how he’s coped with life, so that's now my aim with the group I’ve joined in.

Regarding apportioning blame etc, I don’t blame my parents at all now I’ve read up about hypospadias, for at the time I was born my mother did everything possible to get me sorted out for which I will always be grateful. It is a handicap and I'm much more sympathetic to other people with disabilities. I know what it's like to be different. I've done OK in my career but I know that without hypospadias I'd have been a totally different guy. I can see that looking at my brothers. But then, I know they've had their problems too. I'm glad I'm gay and don’t have any children: I would not want a son as I'd worry about passing the hypospadias on to him. I hope what I've written here will help any guys in the same situation.