Men's Experiences of Hypospadias

If you'd like to submit your story and/or pictures, or contact other men with with hypospadias, please email:  submissions "at" hypospadias-emotions.com (please remove the spaces and replace "at" with @ to use the email)

UK Gay Man

I love my Hypospadias. I was looking for a concise definition of Hypospadias online and discovered this website. Hooray! I thought - how fantastic. Then I read all the stories and was deeply moved. I have been in love with my Hypospadias for so long now that I had forgotten that it ever caused me any grief. I do remember those odd moments early in my life again after reading the stories here. I felt strange at first, a little guilty for being so care-free when others of my tribe had experience troubles.

Most guys it seems at some point clearly overcame their issues and it was their positivity that inspired me to write this.

So it began with trying to get my foreskin back aged 10. Something few receive any helpful advice for here in the UK. I saw the circumcised penis of a friend while innocently seeing how far we could pee. I just splashed and splattered at my feet. . So I thought I might do better if I pulled the skin out of the way. Later that night in the bath I tried. It hurt and tore a little and got stuck. I panicked. Yet there it was. That tell tale groove under my helmet. Not that I knew it was different then. Then as a teenager I feared showering at school and often hid in the music rooms practising the oboe.

Then I had my first sexual experience aged 20. He couldn't pull his foreskin back (a condition known as phimosis - Ed) so this made me less nervous about my hypospadias. He asked what had happened. I said it was called Hypospadias. He was cool about it. Said he rather liked it. A few years later a Dutchman I was playing with recognised the condition and asked why I didn't have surgery to fix it. I replied "It ain't broken!" My partner of 20 years adores it. He first named my groove the "love gash" which I still call it to this day.

Pissing is still splashy but so what? Some guys are splashy too and they don't have Hypospadias. I don't mind sitting down to pee. Lots of guys are fascinated by it too. I have an exceptionally good sex life with my special penis. Have had sex over the years with two guy who also had Hypospadias - I congratulated them by saying "Snap"! Neither were aware it had a name and one was a little offended. Both had milder cases than mine though.

As I said earlier I love my Hypospadias glans or "helmet". I feel sexually defined by it and post images of it on a fetish website with a definition to help educate others. I love talking about it and tell people to ask if they have any questions. Many gay men have piercings in their helmets and when they take their rings out their penises look like they have Hypospadias. So on the gay scene extra holes are cool and hip! It's a change from the ordinary. I love that I have something special that guys really dig. Proud to have Hypospadias. It's a birth difference not a defect!

Forty year old, USA

My hypospadias has been very manageable throughout my life. I did realize early in life and even into my teens that I was not quite as I should have been, but was not troubled or concerned about it. My hypospadias is mild (half an inch from normal) and has been most problematic during urination. I have learned to  tilt my penis to the left to hit the target and  to not pull my foreskin back since that results in a straight down urine stream. Sometimes my stream is solid and sometimes it sprays somewhat. I recall as a preteen, pulling my hood back to keep the glans showing which was what all the other boys looked like in the locker room.

I did not realize that I did not really have a frenulum which is a very sensitive part of the penis. I now like my loose hood which  stayed retracted one I reached my teens and I grew.  I cannot imagine having to masturbate, or have intercourse without it. You get used to what you have, and I would not trade what I have. My penis is 5.75 inches long  when erect and 5 inches in diameter, so I think I am about average - I have been complimented on how thick it is. Many with hypospadias have a penis shorter than average.  My penis does angle to the left when erect. I recall asking my wife during sex why she kept moving just a little and she said "Because your penis is not straight...remember?" As a teen with friends they did not ever really notice that I  urinated from a slightly different angle, nor do they know to this day.  I looked normal enough and since most guys do not look at another guy's penis during urination, it was not noticeable.

My Mom did tell me in my teenage years that I had hypospadias etc. at just the right age to be totally awkward. I assured her that  everything was in working order.  I do not have any children, and she probably thinks that is the cause, which it is not.  I ejaculate much more normally than I urinate, in fact I would say I ejaculate totally normally. My semen goes pretty much straight out, and my urethra is larger that most so maybe I have more projection than most because of that.

One of my greatest fears has been to be in some sort of accident that renders me unconscious so a catheter is needed in an ER, and in the heat of the moment a nurse will force it in the normal spot - that would be bad! My penis head is much flatter than most, with the split on the bottom, you can actually see a faux pee hole that just did not quite get completed. I have learned over the years that most men have a urethra that is on the very tip of the penis, which seems abnormal to me, since I am very different. I had surgery for kidney stones in 2003 and had to have a catheter for the first time and I had to explain to the nurse what the situation was. My urologist used a scope to pull a stone through and install a stint. It seems as though I urinate differently now than I did before: it is not as controllable but has gotten better.  I never considered being ashamed of my abnormality and am pleased with what I have. I feel for those that have a more pronounced hypospadias. The condition of a man's penis is directly related to how he feels about himself.

His pictures (click on hem to expand them):

UK Man, aged 53 at time of writing

Contact Colin on: clipper_975@yahoo.co.uk

I was born in 1955 in South Wales one of 4, 3 boys and one girl. When I was born my penis as I was told looked like a sausage cut down the centre and at the age of 2 years I embarked on a series of painful surgery to make me a penis. My earliest memories was being in Gt Ormond Street Hospital and of the smell of theatre and peeing being very painful. My Mother who is now dead made sure I was “male” by having hormone tests done on me before embarking on the treatment, also our local GP who was a godsend to her helped her through it all and took a close interest in what I had had done every time I came home.

My Dad didn’t really speak to me about the hypospadias - I think he blamed my Mother for it and as our relationship wasn’t good I never gave him the opportunity to say anything, but him being the type of man he was, he didn’t want to admit his son was deformed and later gay. Because of the surgery my Mother tended to not let me “Rough & Tumble” with my siblings as she was afraid that the stitches would burst, which some did and I was left with holes where I leaked when I peed.

My siblings were always jealous of me I’ve found out because I got “special” treatment and also got to spend weeks convalescing at my aunt's pub in London. She helped out with visiting me as my Mum couldn’t afford to travel to London very often as I was one of 4 children, she often told me that she cried on the phone at Paddington station to my grandfather after she left me in hospital. I also hurt her once by accusing her of not loving me, as every time I came out of hospital she kept putting me back in again. Kids can be cruel I guess.

Growing up was not good with the hypospadias. I can't remember having to sit down to pee, however I used to do this if I went out, as sod's law I'd end up with a wet leg where the stream missed. I remember after one surgery a piece of skin was left across the opening so my stream split and I peed two streams which was very embarrassing, I peed on the floor more times than I care to remember, at home I wasn’t so bad but my mate (we were 11 years old) said if I peed on the floor again his Mum said I wouldn’t be allowed to come over again. That was hard to hear as I couldn’t tell them why it happened but it was embarrassing having them think I was dirty.

Puberty went ok as such, I learnt how to wank which was good although as the skin on my penis was tight, so too much wanking left me very sore, but at the time it was nice to do lol as with most young guys. I was not bullied physically at school, but mentally I guess as I didn’t join in sports etc, so I got called a girl, this type of bullying continued well into adulthood due to my lack of confidence in myself and also I wasn’t at ease with being gay. In between the hypospadias surgery I also had a burst appendix plus a hernia which added to the hospitalisation. My one over-riding memory of hospital was that I hated the surgeons' rounds, everyone was prepared for the viewing, silence in the wards, was a long one with beds down the sides, so the surgeon would come up with his entourage and discuss my cock, I did ask for the curtains to be drawn but sometimes the nurse wouldn’t, so everyone would be looking and listening, sometimes the surgeon would have a booming voice, and everyone could hear him, so all I can remember is shrinking back into the bed wishing to die, as I’d have to face everyone afterwards. The last surgery was at 16 where they finally took away the strip of skin across my pee hole so with luck and fine tuning I could pee standing up and I have a good stream which I suppose is a plus for me over guys with a big meatus.

I then decided that I wanted no further surgery. So after all the surgery I was left with a penis quite misshapen, when erect of about 3.5 inches erect and 1” flaccid, I have a dummy hole in the top which when viewed from the top looks normal, however small, and another hole underneath for peeing through, and its only when erect however it looks weird. I hated the look of it and decided that I would stay celibate as I'd had enough of being made fun of, I knew I was gay also from a very early age but I didn’t feel masculine in any way and to this day still don’t.

I suffered from severe depression as a young guy growing up even contemplating suicide, although I felt if I did this then my Mother and family would be so hurt so I soldiered on as I could keeping everything to myself. I came out to them at 16 and even though I knew I was gay I wanted counselling, the local surgery made me an appointment with this guy who offered me aversion therepy, and it made things worse. The years between 16 and 38 were pretty normal I guess, I had a good circle of friends, I moved to London when I was 19 and made a career in finance. I didn’t date anyone at all in all that time. So up until the age of 38 I concentrated on my career and finally decided to answer an advert in a local paper to meet another man. This after quite a few aborted attempts at leaving him a message happened, he was an older bi man and after talking to him, I thought it's now or never so I invited him back for a coffee and we went to bed. Luckily for me he had no problem with my cock and we had a 2 year relationship, which was good, however in all that time I was never able to cum, as another guy wanking me didn’t work, you needed to have the “knack” and also having a guy watch me wank made me self conscious and put me off, so I told him not to worry, as I still had great fun.

Penetrative sex wasn’t an option either as lacking length and the sensitivity it didn’t work, though in recent years I found if the other guy straddles me then it can happen, been told it's good as well as I have quite a thick penis so not all bad. I am now 53 and have had my share of guys, once I'd tried it was a case of making up for lost time, and I found that most guys were ok about my little cock, even though I was limited in what I could do. It was always nerve racking when I met a guy as before anything happened I felt I would have to say something to them, and see what happened. Over the period between 38 and 53 I’ve had a couple of relationships although not longer than 7/8 months, and once I felt less nervous my body did work properly, however even though I felt secure I still used to wonder what they saw in me when they could have better looking guys with bigger and normal looking cocks.

Hypospadias is always there in a relationship. Even if my partner has no problem with it, I think I still wait for the time when something will be said, or maybe even force the issue sometime, driving a wedge and spoiling things, almost like self-destruct. I only had one guy get up and walk out on me, that really knocked what confidence id built up over the years, I was lucky as I had a good friend who was online and hence I told him and didn’t dwell on it. However since then I found what little confidence I had has gone where I'm now afraid to meet guys in case it happens again. I did consider more cosmetic surgery after this happened, but on reading up on it I decided against it as I didn’t want to lose what sensitivity I had left. Also there's no guarantee it will look better anyway. I know that “one offs” are usual in the gay world having spoken to lots of guys however I still put them down with me to my hypospadias even if the sex was good.

I tend to vet guys also seeing how they are with stuff when we chat, and go for older men too as they are more sympathetic I suppose, although this not always the case. With sex if I go to bed with a guy then if he goes down on me then that’s the ultimate test that he is ok with the hypospadias. I hate the way I look and think sometimes what it must be like for someone confronted by my cock, what would I do!!!! Would I want to suck it ………….as for cumming I still find that hard to achieve if I’m with someone, I don’t always relax enough and prolonged foreplay, even though I stay hard, can also cause problems that way.

When telling a guy I tend to be flippant about stuff laughing it off if things don’t seem to be going well, all the while breaking up inside asking what I’ve done to deserve this when other guys seem to find partners so easily. Sometimes it seems it's one thing after another and I wonder sometimes why I bother, I suppose if you don’t meet guys you're not going to find anyone, so that’s why I keep on. The internet has been a godsend because I’ve looked up hypospadias several times and came across some yahoo groups, although there doesn’t seem to be much interaction between members and also the majority are in the USA. There are pictures on the site too of guys with hypospadias, however once again I felt alone as they were mainly mild and also looked like normal cocks and were of a normal size too, so a double whammy for me again.

I appreciate that there are guys with small cocks, I’ve met ones with smaller than mine, but having a hypospadias AND a small deformed cock is not a good thing in the gay world. I think given the choice 2/3 more inches would have made all the difference to me. It's not been how I expected it to be - discrimination hasn’t brought us together. I have however met a few guys in the UK who have helped me and even though they have mild hypospadias and therefore their problems are different to mine, they know what it's like to be different that way, scared of what people will say about their cocks. One said to me that considering what I went through I turned out a very level headed guy. My answer was if I wasn’t strong I wouldn’t be here now. I would love to meet a guy in the same situation as me - one who's had a lot of surgery and see how he’s coped with life, so that's my next aim with the group I’ve joined in.

Regarding apportioning blame etc, I don’t blame my parents at all now I’ve read up about hypospadias, at the time I was born my Mother did everything possible to get me sorted out for which I will always be grateful. It is a handicap and I'm much more sympathetic to other people with disabilities. I know what it's like to be different. I've done OK career wise but I know that without hypospadias I'd have been a totally different guy. I can see that looking at my brothers. But then, I know they've had their problems too. I'm glad I'm gay and don’t have any children - I wouldn't want a son as I'd worry about passing the hypospadias on to him. Hope what I’ve written here will help any guys in the same situation. I'm always happy to chat to anyone who wants to contact me, so look forward to hearing from you….

Many more stories of hypospadias here.